My Foray back into Fashion (at 43 and a half.)

In my twenties, and early thirties, I was somewhat of a chronic shopper. Like many young people, my Saturdays were spent trawling the shops of my near by town; hoping to find something new to wear that weekend.

This was of course, pre-online shopping. It was the mid 2000s and Kate Moss had just launched her collaboration with TopShop. I lived and breathed by the style rules of Kate, Alexa Chung, Sienna Miller et al I was obsessed with clothing, make up and essentially, outward appearances. It was also at this time that my discorded eating had reached it’s peak and spurred on by my tiny body, my retail habit became less about therapy and more about a need to look as perfect as possible, all of the time.

I spent most of my monthly wages on clothes. I wasn’t really in to interiors at the time (although I’ve spent a lot of money on that too) because my brain couldn’t hold space for more than one obsession. Clothes won, up to the point that I had my daughter aged 35 and then like many mothers, I just stopped kind of, caring. I’d wear nice stuff once I’d dropped a couple of dress sizes I reasoned.

Of course, I never lost the baby weight and never needed too, actually (although it would take a while for me to really understand this.) I hadn’t the energy or the dedication to live my life in ways I had done pre-motherhood and having held myself to rigid and unrealistic beauty standards, had almost decided that I wasn’t *worth* dressing. Which is both incredibly sad, and also incredibly silly.

I pride myself on being a feminist and as a mum to a daughter, one of my non-negotiables is that I don’t berate my body in front of her, and yet here I was, holding back from living my authentic self and feeling pretty meh in the process.

A recent outfit I feel great in. A cropped, wide leg jean from my beloved asos, paired with a shearling jacket (also asos) and platform Dr Martens.

I kept feeling like I was in this weird interim stage whereby I wanted to dress in a way that felt good and that also aligned with my creative self, whilst experiencing this odd anxiety around embracing myself. Fully.

As a Pinterest aficionado, I would look longingly at other women my age and marvel at their dedication to their personal style, and moreover their commitment to looking good, for themselves. This wasn’t about the male gaze, or looking one dimensionally sexy anymore it was about making a statement as a woman in a new era of her life. And I wanted in.

Earlier this month whilst holidaying in Wales, I made a pact to actually buy myself some clothes (and not just think about it.) I put age and body image to one side, grabbed a cuppa and picked exactly what I liked the look of. I made a list of the basics I needed (jeans, t-shirts etc) and then created a vision board of outfits I wanted to rock. I thought about my lifestyle (I work from home mainly) and what my wardrobe needed in terms of style and practicality.

I knew I wanted to develop a stylish capsule wardrobe that I could easily mix and match. I’d been ‘pinterestng’ trends for a few weeks and whittling down the looks that felt synonymous with who I was now. When you come away from fashion and fashion trends, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by it; so I concentrated on what spoke to me personally and drilled into that, with a promise to myself to shop at least one seasonal key fashion item (hello red bag.)

I knew with certainty that I wanted to be braver and bolder in my choices and to clothe myself in a way that empowered. I was drawn to volume, and masculinity, and anything slightly oversized or boxy. A relaxed silhouette, smart but comfortable and punctuated with detail. These shapes almost felt rebellious, and contrasted sharply with the me of my twenties were tightness and a degree of discomfort felt necessary.

One of Pinterest Saves. Utterly Delightful.

My descent back into the world of fashion is more of a steady amble and that’s ok. I’m in it for the long run and getting to know myself along the way. Trying to exact peace with my body and embrace myself fully in the now. What I am realising however, is that fashion and what we wear are strong symbols of self expression and that for creative souls like me, they are really an extension of that artistry. Clothes can make us feel powerful and I’m totally in to that.

Since dressing how I want I have felt more confident, I have felt stronger, more put together and more at ‘home’ with myself than I have (if I ever did.) I wake up every day, excited to chose my outfit and to spend time on myself. I layer my jewellery, I do my hair and skincare (still learning!) I feel GOOD. I used to throw on anything (trust me, I absolutely will still do this, especially on those lazy days.) because frankly, I didn’t feel like I deserved to take time out for myself, whereas now I enjoy choosing something from my new wardrobe. I feel like me again, but better. Much, much better.

When you dress for yourself and not others, there is a quiet strength that comes with it. A soft power which is delicious and liberating. I'‘m so gad I didn’t wait for that illusive moment to treat myself well because I (and you) deserve it regardless. It’s a cliche, but life is simply too short to wait. Embrace who you are, in all your glory, today.

Some of my favourite necklaces. Both vintage. Wearing jewellery daily feels like a gift to myself. Oversized Tee is asos.

My next step is to keep working on myself. Earlier this year I sopped drinking, and I haven’t looked back. I’d like to nail my skincare regime because I really enjoy the ceremonial aspect of it, and dedicate some time to self-care every week.

Last week I posted a reel outlining my fashion journey and surprisingly, I had some lovely feedback. I plan to continue posting fashion content because I enjoy the process of putting outfits together and secondly it gives me more confidence (which is never a bad thing right?) Lately I have also been thinking about cutting my hair because I am coming to terms with the fact that I have hidden behind it longer than I care to admit. Maybe a chop will be the icing on my new-me cake!

What will you do to feel good about the YOU right now and if you’re putting things off, why is that?

Nina x