This week in thoughts: am I having an identity crisis or am I just perimenopausal?

A huge stream of consciousness with little to no point.

The notion that women are somehow “past it” at 40 is an archaic one and yet as I approach my 45th birthday, I find myself longing to be younger. It’s a disappointing feeling because I’m a ‘good’ feminist and therefore, not really allowed to feel this way, or rather I should be more ‘ok’ with ageing and the inevitability of embracing my more mature years.

But I’m just… not.

No one told me that I would suddenly lose my joie de vivre in my 40s, or that I would look back so longingly at the girl I was in my twenties- her short skirts exposing her lovely legs as the summer evening chill wrapped around them. I know that on a most rudimentary level, it is futile to yearn for something that cannot ever be-ever again, and that actually, my life is SO much better now, but in all honesty, I do. I do yearn for it (whilst simultaneously chastising myself for doing so.)

At the start of the year I finally found the gumption to call the doctors and go see my GP about the seemingly 1000s of perimenopausal symptoms I was experiencing. There were/ are so bloody many of them (like WHY?) that I had to write them down in fear I’d forget (which I still did even with the list in hand.) Anyway, lucky for me, I was taken seriously (which is rare) and left, skipping* down the street, HRT in hand and ready to become a new version of myself (*walking slowly, hips aching.)

It’s been a month since I started taking the medication and I’ve found some improvements. Obviously, it’s early days but I’m impatient as hell and I guess I expected to feel AMAZING immediately. That being said, my cognitive functioning feels a *little* sharper (not one to boast but my verbal skills were always top notch until recently. Now I struggle to find the most basic words) and I’d say I’m slightly less tired. Clearly there are tweaks to be made to the HRT and I understand it’s a process which requires fine tuning, but it’s making me think that maybe it isn’t just my hormones that are off whack but me in general. Is something more fundamentally wrong?

Am I having a midlife crisis?

ChatGTP defines a midlife crisis as:

“A period of psychological stress and identity transition that can occur in middle age. It can be triggered by physical, occupational or domestic events…”

I’m not entirely sure whether I’m fully ready to trust an AI’s opinion on my most deepest feelings just yet but I have to say that this does kinda sound like me. I’m self-reflecting and questioning myself like nobody’s business-my internal monologue is busier than ever and I find myself debating with well, me, daily. Often it’s serious stuff like my life’s purpose, but also, less pressing matters like whether I should try and wear something other than jeans and maybe get a bit of botox whilst I’m at it.

I think a lot of this stems from lockdown, and the transition to working from home. It changed my routine, from little ways like commuting to and from a designated place of work everyday to having more ‘time’ and less urgency. In that period I also shifted into full time self-employment from working for somebody else for over twenty years, and I’m not sure I have ever let myself just sit and process how much of a massive change that is. Now I’m not saying that going back to the office is the answer, because NO THANK YOU (now that I am in a creative role I am far more aligned to myself than EVER) but I think it’s fair to say that maybe I do need to leave the house a bit more. Expect that when it comes to actually, you know, leaving the house… I don’t want to.

It’s odd because I used to detest being at home- and forever wished to be somewhere else; whereas now? I’m sort of half-happy being at home and half- have sort of lost my confidence in terms of getting out there (I do get out by the way I’m not a complete hermit just yet its just that I probably don’t do it enough.) Would getting out there and being more sociable help me feel more like me? Maybe. But it isn’t just that I’ve become somewhat of a Billy no mates over the last few years, I also don’t know if I’m where I should be in terms of a career. I love being a content creator but I can’t help that feel that whoever is in charge of things has bigger plans for me and that I’m just not getting the memo (or rather I am getting it, but am procrastinating) and therein lies of my biggest challenges.

How is a perimenopausal women who is struggling with motivation and whom is perpetually shattered meant to get out there and ‘smash it’ exactly?

I’ve always had this notion that I should/will be successful- I’m not entirely sure what I mean by ‘successful’ (maybe write a book or make more money or make more of a mark on the world) or how one measures that but I think I’d like to more successful than I am (or feel that I am; currently.) The problem I have is that the physical symptoms of menopause are making it tricky to achieve all of the goals I have. It’s like my hormonal self is holding my other actual self hostage and it’s SO frustrating. If my sense of self and identity is tied to my own perceived ideas of being successful yet I can’t physically enact it right now, what does that mean in terms of who I am and what I want to be?

Let’s take writing for example. I like to think I am pretty good at it.

I find writing quite easy- in the sense that I am able to think quickly and get pen onto paper (so to speak) even with a creative, or literary block. There’s lots of things I suck at, but I’ve always been able to write.

Peri-m affects my cognitive abilities; creates that dreaded brain fog that makes me act like an illiterate idiot, and generally feels as though my vocabulary has shrink by about a fifth of what it used to be. Thanks to perimenopause threads (WHICH I LOVE) I know this is a common symptom that many women struggle with- I even read a post the other day where one woman actually thought she had early onset dementia because her ability to form sentences had become SO much of a battle (thankfully she didn’t but STILL.)

However, even on those foggy days I can still sort of write. True, the words don’t come as easily and the paragraphs may be sketchy but I could still knock something out if I had too. No. The issue is that whilst my brain might want to play but my body doesn’t, or that I have no motivation to do it. I’m hoping that the HRT will help with these feelings of apathy and that I’ll have more energy? Like I said, I think my brain is a little sharper since starting the meds; but I also know I have a way to go to make a true assessment.

Other factors; like my decision to grow out my natural (read grey) hair, my body changing in front of my very eyes, never knowing what to hell wear, and my daughter growing up at lightning speed are all, also impacting how I view myself, and how I internalise my worth. My grey hair isn’t an issue as such; although I was shocked to learn that it is indeed FULLY grey! On the contrary, I’m actually really excited about having my natural hair for the first time in literal years (might write a separate sub about that btw) and it hopefully feeling and looking better. The fact that I am 45 year old woman with grey hair isn’t earth shattering news but it is massive departure from who I was. It is a signifier that I am getting older. That I am potentially halfway through my life. That I don’t have an eternity ahead of me to achieve everything I think I should. It’s like the visual reminder that I didn’t ask for.

And My Body….My Body has shifted into something else. I almost do not recognise it but I know it is still mine. I find myself berating my younger self for having issues with it when in fact, I was perfect as I was. For the years I spent thinking I was ‘fat’, when even if I was, it wouldn’t have mattered. My thin body was such an integral part of my self worth pre-motherhood and although it doesn’t matter, it mattered to me. I was speaking with my (very lovely) husband the other day about it, and felt shame in admitting that age has for me, bought a certain amount of invisibility. An invisibility from men that I don’t crave but I sometimes miss. I no longer require validation from men, but I am aware of the fact that the gaze has faded somewhat and that in and of itself marks another chapter closing. The ‘was’ and the ‘is’…

So as I reflect on all of this; the conflicting sense of purpose and role. The perceived lack of success. The change in my appearance. The grey, and the physical and emotional turmoil of perimenopause. Is it really any surprise that midlife malaise is an almost universal experience for all women?

What I know is that I will continue on. I am strong and I can get through this. It is surely just a blip, and blips can be overcome.

So with that in mind, I will carry on taking my HRT and my vitamins. I will get outside in nature and I will take care of my body as best as I can. I will remember to breathe and to give myself grace to rest at this time. I will laugh, often. I will practice gratitude. I will appreciate my very lucky life. I will honour my feelings, not minimise or try to fight them . I will reflect. I will celebrate all of successes; even the ones that feel small. I will eat well. I will drink my water. I will go to bed and remind myself of how far I have come. I will sleep and recoup. I…

…I will grow out my grey and brush it in front of the mirror and smile at my older face…

…and I might even buy some new clothes that aren’t jeans.

Nina x