This week in thoughts: Did I ever really like drinking?
SIX months alcohol free!
Yesterday I celebrated six months off the booze. Quite the achievement considering I had no real goal when I decided to give myself an alcohol break in June of this year.
After a particularly bad hangover, and having being sick multiple times the previous night from a pub date, I decided that maybe I needed to ‘consciously uncouple’ from my beloved rosé and give my liver a much needed rest. You see, I wasn’t a big drinker but neither was I comfortable with where my drinking journey was headed. I knew my consumption had increased, especially with the advent of Lockdown in 2020, and initially since becoming a mum in 2015, and whilst I wouldn’t consider it problematic, it definitely worried me.
As a bit of a brief history, my late dad has issues with alcoholism and passed away from the disease when I was just 21 and he was 56. I had a really complicated relationship with him, and processing that grief was tricky (and still is now.) I also think that as I explore my own neurodivergent journey that he may have been ND himself and used alcohol as a crutch. This certainly wasn’t picked up on at the time, but there are definitely lots of parallels between him and me.
My own relationship with drink slowly began in my teens and gradually blew up; especially when I was at university. After leaving uni, I drank at weekends, but never in the week and I guess was considered a ‘binge drinker’ like many other young people at that time. This was the early 2000s and bar culture was at its peak. I’d go out every Thursday, Friday and Saturday; do shots, smoke my obligatory cigarettes (another thing I actually disliked but did anyway) and a little later, use drugs too. All of this was, I realised now, was my way of masking-trying to emulate someone else entirely. I became a different character when I was drunk/ high and was able to ‘play’ at being super sociable when really I wasn’t. Behind these substances I was bolder, felt more normal and more attractive. They also helped me to stay awake in social situations when in reality I wasn’t a night owl at all.
This cycle continued until I became pregnant in 2015. I stopped smoking immediately; swapping partying for soft play and early nights. I felt content and ‘safe’ and relieved to put those hedonist days behind me however I continued to drink. I drank at home, as a way to dissociate and as a form of escapism from mum life which was often overwhelming. I should also mention as well that I am a chronic lightweight and only need a couple of glasses of wine to feel ‘drunk’. This exacerbated after entering motherhood; where my resources were already depleted and falling asleep (or rather, passing out) after a few drinks became common place.
I was also fed up of feeling hungover and on edge, which as an already anxious individual, was becoming unbearable. As a neurodivergent person, I have realised that drinking just doesn’t really suit me, and moreover it makes my symptoms much worse. There is loads of scientific evidence to back this up, and a strong link between ADHD and alcoholism/ substance misuse. When I experience burn out now, it is far less severe and much easier to handle whereas 6 months ago, it would last for days. I am more rational now and I think I am handling my emotions better and able to regulate/ work through them better, although I still obviously struggle with this due to my ADHD.
As I come to terms with who I am as a neurodivergent person, I have realised I am not, and have never really been ‘a drinker’. I have a self-confessed ‘immature palette’, a limited menu of foods I enjoy due to sensory issues and this transcends to alcohol where I only really enjoyed very sweet or sugary options, such as a rosé. I actually don’t like may alcohol drinks but I loved the sugar!
I think it’s also important to explore the normalisation of alcohol in our society, where drinking culture is glamourised. Alcohol is rarely labelled a drug, despite being one of the most addictive substances on the planet. It is also very easy to access whereas there is a definite stigma pertaining to ‘class A’s’ or ‘hard’ drugs.
Interestingly, alcohol is also considered a form of ‘self-care’ where we are actively encouraged to relax with it (I’m thinking wine o’clock etc). It is telling, that whereas we appreciate how additive drugs like heroin and cocaine are and would almost always encourage that individual to access help, that conversely, we consider alcoholism as more of a personal weakness which is the user’s fault as opposed to the substance itself being problematic.
Not drinking or participating in the culture of it, is really liberating.
When I posted my story on instagram on Saturday I had a huge response to it which tells me my story resonates. I also had a lot of questions, mainly asking how I’ve done it. I think it’s important to clarify here that I was/ am not alcohol dependent, and therefore can only speak from my own experience. If you feel you have a serious issue, then it is import a to seek professional support if you feel ready and able.
Personally, I found taking one day at a time the most effective way. I never imposed any strict or rigid rules and told myself I could have a drink whenever I wanted. I found the first month tricky, because you’re essentially navigating a world that is made for drinking. Friday and Saturday nights felt odd without a glass in my hand and I felt a bit ‘sad’ (?) at the thought of not having a couple to signify the weekend. I also felt a bit uncomfortable watching my husband drink his beer and wandered if if there would come a time when it wouldn’t bother me (spoiler; it doesn’t even register now). I also researched and found lots of fantastic alcohol free alternatives (listed below) which helped to smooth that initial transition.
Yesterday we went for a long walk and I realised that I was able to move for longer, and definitely had more energy. My hair and skin have improved too but I think thats because I have a really great routine in place; something I started investing in when I stopped drinking. Friday nights are now where I carve out time to pamper myself with a face mask and bath. I am a steadfast make up remover (something I often neglected when drinking) and have substituted the rosé for night creams and serums.
I rarely seek out alcohol free alternatives anymore and will instead have a coke or hot chocolate as a treat. I mainly drink water at home so something sweet feels really lovely. On reflection I think I feel more in control over all, level headed and at peace with who I am. There have been a combination of factors that have contributed to this shift this year (you can read about my intuitive eating transition here) and going tee total has 100% contributed to this.
I am also more present, and less of a catastrophic thinker. My daughter loves that I don’t drink and often tells me she is proud of me. That’s all I need to continue forward. Will I ever drink again? Who knows. For now I am enjoying being sober curious and the benefits seem to keep on giving.
Some alcohol free drinks I have enjoyed:
Guiness (this is fab with blackcurrant!)
Hot chocolate and speciality lattes
Mocktails
Nina x