This Week in Thoughts: The *weirdest* thing...

(A huge shift in mindset and feeling really well.)

I’ve spoken before about how these days I am pretty much anti-diet but this week (well last week really) something ODD happened.

I have been eating pretty much what I want-when I want, since lockdown. I’ve succumbed to dieting a few times, when I’ve felt really crappy about myself, however, during this period I wouldn’t class myself as a dieter as such; as rather someone who is trying (and often failing) to eat ‘normally’.

If you know anything about intuitive eating, then you’ll understand the concept of this radical movement (which isn’t really radical at all) that helps individuals, who are fed up of dieting and feeling stressed out about food, to instead nurture a healthy relationship with food and with their body image. The idea of it is basically that you listen to your body, and honor your hunger- and stop counting calories/ counting points/ tracking etc for good. It sounds WILD to someone who has been trapped in a world of accounting for every single bite but it is essentially; how we’re meant to eat (we’ve just been conditioned into thinking we should be smaller and have thus ignored our own internal hunger and satiety cues.)

Anyway, as stated, I’ve been practicing it for a few years, but it’s only really been the last few months I have commited to it fully. To be brutally honest, I’ve still had (though they are far, far fewer) thoughts of dieting and have also been bingeing (although only very occasionally) with the premise that I’d make up for it ‘tomorrow’ (something you don’t experience when you are truly intuitive with food because nothing is off limits. Funny that!)

Anyway, there are 10 principles of intuitive eating (see above) and I had been been sort of stuck in number 1: ‘reject the diet mentality’ and 3: ‘make peace with food’ parts. I hadn’t really done any of the work around ‘respecting my body’ or ‘moving my body to feel good’ and that’s where my issues were.

I’d always been someone who felt that nice clothes or looking after my skin, getting a haircut etc should be reserved as treats for when I reached my goal weight. It sounds silly I know but I’d always felt that until I was thin (I’m speaking relatively here as I am well aware that I am still existing in an smaller body) I was going to hold off investing in my wellbeing. I’ve got better over the last year at this, especially in terms of skin care and self-care practice, and in the last few months, I’ve really upped my game, but the BIGGEST change that has happened this week, and the THING that is so WEIRD is that I am exercising again…

AND ENJOYING IT.

Like what?

As someone who has only ever used exercise as way to lose weight and as a form of ‘food negotiation’ this has been startling to say the least. I’d heard of people who exercised because it felt good, or because it helped their mental health but I never really understood how that was possible! A couple of weekends ago I could feel my low back was stiff (I get sciatica in my right side and not stretching definitely makes it worse) and legs felt really heavy and I had an overwhelming urge to do some yoga.

The last time I did any yoga was post childbirth and yes you guessed it, it was purely as a way to lose the baby weight. This time felt different. I didn’t have any thoughts about weight loss in mind, I just had this massive urge to move my body and STRETCH. So I got out of bed, unrolled my mat and did some. I managed about 30 minutes and it felt GOOD. SO SO GOOD. There are so many benefits to exercising, but for me it’s always been viewed as form of punishment or a way to earn more calories as opposed to improving my strength or helping my achey muscles to feel better. It’s always been about how I would look, and not about how I could feel. As I stretched out my hips, I imagined being able to do the poses more easily and how that may improve my life. I felt excited about it.

And guess what? I did it the next day too.

And the next…

In fact, I’ve done it every day since that first day, apart from a morning when my period pain was bad and I needed to rest (which in, and of itself is intuitive- I am famously an all or nothing person and ordinarily, missing a day would mean that I stopped altogether!) But even on that day, I MISSED IT. Actually missed my little ritual!

Looking forward to moving my body is such a strange phenomenon to me because in the past I’ve felt obliged to it rather than wanting too. Maybe because there’s no pressure on me to do it as part of a weight loss ‘plan’, I feel empowered to actively ‘chose’ to? When you take away the weight loss aspect and the need to be super thin as a result of it, activity actually feels enjoyable. Who’d a guessed it!

Additionally, I have always been a walker, but again when I’ve had any kind of walking regime in the past it has been about burning calories (and earning them) whereas now, especially very recently it has been about this absolute need to get fresh air and stretch my legs- and if I cover a lot of ground whilst I’m at it then that’s a bonus (but definitely not a requirement.)

I saw a reel the other day about just existing as we are right now in the bodies that we have-without feeling this need to move towards any kind of weight loss goal and it’s really resonated. Being still and being ‘present’ are things I have definitely struggled with in the past and I think that difficulty has definitely contributed to the need to have some sort of routine on the go.

When I decided to stop dieting and just accept my body as is, it felt overwhelming to exist without the pursuit of thinness as a priority, and it’s only been very recently that I have realised that I have to put it (dieting) to bed forever if I want to live a truly happy and healthy life.

And that means really living my life, today, and all of the days-and not putting it on hold until I am tiny again. It means buying clothes I want to wear NOW. Investing in my skin NOW. Exercising for health NOW. Getting a treatment NOW. Practising self-love and knowing I am worthy NOW.

And that is the mind shift I have had these last few weeks.

The ‘click’.

Intuitive eating can take years to master when you’ve been trapped in diet culture for so long. Unlearning the lies that are spun through that paradigm is a big task and it doesn’t happen overnight and it can’t happen until you give it your all.

And that means doing the work I have been putting off. Learning to fully accept myself and everything that I am despite my body changing.

We’re going on holiday in 3 weeks and this is the first time I’ve not dieted since I can remember. It’s hugely liberating but also, I know I’m going to have to dig deep whilst we’re away and not compare my body to others’. It will be hard, but for me, being in a smaller body and forgoing ice cream and chips to achieve it, just isn’t worth it anymore. I’ve been that salad eating girl and I know with clarity that I was miserable. When life revolved around appearances, I felt empty and despite being tiny, I still wasn’t satisfied-in fact, in some ways I had worse body image.

So with this shift in perspective, I have begun to understand that all I can be really be is the best version of myself, and thankfully, I don’t think that has to include weight loss anymore. I would love to feel stronger and have more energy and will continue to work towards that because I think wanting to feel healthy is a good goal (as long as it doesn’t feel restrictive.)

I have put my body through so much over the years- an eating disorder, followed by decades of chronic dieting and these factors have most definitely affected my metabolism but also, and critically, the lense through which I view my body.

So with that in mind, and my love of movement seemingly restored, it’s time to trust my body to do it’s thing, and moreover, enjoy the one I have right now.

Nina x