This week in thoughts: Trying to be my 'authentic self' on socials.

What does being your 'authentic self' even mean?

This week I received the BEST comment on one of reels.

It said, “….Really feel like you’re your authentic self right now and it comes across…”

When people say they like my authenticity, I often wonder what they mean and whether they are seeing what I am seeing. For a long time, I felt very disconnected from myself, and really didn’t know who I was at all. I would take on other people’s personas and almost mimic others in a bid to look and feel ‘normal’. I don’t think that’s authentic; but I think realising that I did that, alongside a whole host of other things I did was the route to become authentic and live as myself.

In early 2023, I called my doctors and told them that I thought I might have ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder; although this can be a misnomer ADHDers often do not exhibit hyperactivity physically; but may have busy brains. Like me!) after I had a meltdown (one of many) at the end of 2022. I shared how I felt/ was feeling on my Instagram stories and had the BIGGEST response to a single piece of information ever. Hundreds of people came into my DMs in the most gentle, loving way and essentially asked if I had ever considered that I might be neurodivergent. I had a huge amount of messages from other ‘ND’ (neurodiverse folk) and felt seen, understood and really safe sharing my experiences and world view within that community.

ADHD is a really complex, and hugely misunderstood disability which yes, at it’s most basic, can affect focus and concentration but it is really a lot more than that; it is a catalogue of symptoms which range from manageable to debilitating, depending on the individual. It is having a whole other type of brain which sets you apart from neurotypical people; and living in a world that is set up for them.

Personally, I have experienced problems within both my working, and personal and social life, but I never connected the dots. Throughout my twenties, and early thirties, I would visit my GP to complain about vague symptoms of ‘fatigue’- blood tests would come back normal but I always knew something was off. I felt very tired, a lot of the time, especially after an intense period at work or if I had been particularly social (which I was, a LOT.) I experienced frequent burn out when I was office bound, and struggled with office politics, the rigidity of a 9-5 routine and with demand avoidance.

I have also experienced issues with money management and specifically debt, which has been a significant, and ongoing impact, issues with sex and relationships, binge eating and an eating disorder and friendship breakdowns to name but a few. I have been a risk taker, impulsive and reckless, emotionally dysregulated and felt an overwhelming sense of immaturity compared to my peers.

I had intense periods of what I now understand is ‘hyper focus’ (and felt guilt for completing things super quickly) combined with such a lack of motivation and drive that I would feel exhausted, and depressed from it and consistently ring in sick to wherever I was working at the time. Working for myself; at home and in a creative way has changed my life (and saved it in many ways.)

Contrary to what media would have you believe it is also still chronically under diagnosed in woman and girls. This, amongst other factors, I believe (funding, lack of ND specialists etc) can be attributed to pretty archaic stereotypes of little boys being fidgety and ‘naughty’. I mean, that’s even what I thought it was, but I am neither of those things outwardly (although I am a skin picker and have other stims.)

Like many women, I believe I was wrongly diagnosed with anxiety at 28; and that actually the anxiety was/is a comorbidity of ADHD. The education around neurodiversity just isn’t there yet.

I am currently on a waiting list for an official assessment; but really, I just know. I am also pretty certain that I am also autistic (again huge misconceptions around presentation etc), but this doesn’t frighten or worry me. No. It feels like I am home.

I lived out of my body for so long, conforming to social standards that were often alien, masking my ‘oddness’ and desperately trying to be cool and popular that it is actually a relief. I always knew I was different, and now I understand why. I am very ‘in my own head’ and have had, since I can remember, a strong internal monologue; a whirring of loud and often intrusive thoughts. I practice conversations out loud, and although I used to think (or roleplay rather) being laid back; I am often quite rigid and do not like change or last minute changes to plans (i’m just very good at pretending I do!)

I generally stick to the same foods now a days and have stopped pretending that to like things I don’t. I rarely go out, and if I do I need intense recovery time. I try not to over commit to things. I am very easily overstimulated and am learning that when I need alone time that is quiet and supportive of my needs; that I must honour that and not feel guilty. Luckily I have a very supportive husband who just ‘gets it’. He has never doubted that I am what I say I am and has done lots of research to help support me better. That is not to say that life is perfect, or that things are easy, but I think us being aware of my ND has improved our lives.

On June 11th last year I also stopped drinking; something that I never really loved (apart from super sugary wine) but did anyway; mainly to ease social anxiety and blend in. As a young person in the late 90s/ early 2000s, club culture was pretty peak and going out was something you just did. Being hungover always made my anxiety a trillion times worse and as I got older, I began to explore my relationship with it and whether it suited me. Turns out it didn’t. I feel much better for quitting; and I think taking one day at at time, without pressure, initially really supported my sobriety. I can think clearer and am generally more motivated, booze really exacerbated my bad days and highlighted some of my less desirable traits. I still struggle, but the absence of alcohol has definitely taken the edge off.

I also feel more me in my work now; working for myself, and doing what I love means I am in control of my days and how they play out. If I need a down day or a restful morning for example, I am lucky that I can work in a way that allows for a less ‘rigid’ working day. Often I am very physically and mentally ‘on’ early on in the morning and able get a lot of my tasks completed then; taking regular rest breaks and then working later, or even in bed at night. My working day may not be typical, but I am really proud of what I am achieving and that I am able to avoid burnout more easily (although it still happens.)

Being a content creator suits my need for diversity within my work life and being my own boss allows for flexibility. I love creating, and I love all aspects of it. I am trying to show up on socials as Nina, 100% me; not roleplaying someone I think I should be. I’ve even been working on things like my voice/ vocal tone. I used to try and make my voice sound different. It is deep, naturally and can be quite ‘flat’ sometimes so I always tried to ‘lilt’ the end of sentences. I watched a few reels back from last year and honestly thought I sounded ridiculous so I now I really try and lean into my true voice; Wolverhampton accent and all.

It isn’t easy, unmasking a lifetime of learned behaviors but I think (hope) I am a work in progress and that’s why I may seem more ‘authentic’ on my platforms.

Nina x